Happy #SelfLoveSunday readers!
Today Lexi is going to talk us through her steps to finding self love and becoming the girl she truly wants to be!
But before she does, I’d just like to say…I hope you all have enjoyed this blog series. I came up with the series with you in mind! I think we all struggle with loving who we are and what we look like, but so many are hesitant to talk about it. It is a never ending battle, but what matters is that we never give up. We keep fighting for peace no matter our circumstances.
I don’t want any of you to feel as if you’re fighting your battle alone, which is why I want us to share our stories with one another.
I truly appreciate the amazing women who have accepted my invitation to write for my blog each week. I find something in each of their stories to relate to and to use for growth, and I hope all my readers do too. I love you all so much!
Enjoy this weeks post!
“It is possible to be happy, to be loved, and to do the things you love no matter how much you weigh.”
When Abbie asked me to write a bit on self love I was like heck yeah! I’m all about the concept of loving thy self and practicing the act of doing so. I was all pumped up thinking how this would be super easy! BUT as soon as I started writing, I hit a wall. UGH I can’t tell you how many nights I stared blankly at this page with nothing to say. I even started questioning if I was the right person to be talking about “self love”. I’m not even 100% there yet (but is anyone really?). Food and body image have been a struggle for me over the last couple of years. I’ve been working hard at making peace with all my inner mean girl voices and redeveloping a healthy relationship with food. It hasn’t been easy but I’ll tell ya LOVE feels so much better than guilt, regret, and hate any day.
2 years ago I fell into an eating disorder. Although never officially diagnosed by a doctor, I can say for a fact ED was taking over my life. From what I remember I was always cold, cranky, hungry, anxious, dreaming about food, and constantly thinking how fat I was and what my next workout (punishment) would be. It was like the same song on replay…wake up thinking about how I’d behave better today, work out to burn every last calorie, eat “perfectly” but still feel fat, go to bed always feeling ashamed/guilty, and then wake up to do it all over again. Same shit, different day. I wasn’t living. I wasn’t experiencing life like a normal 20 year old should. I was at my lowest possible weight of 105 lbs at 5’7” yet I was still miserable.
About a year ago I made the choice to recover. I missed the old me. The old me who would eat chocolate because it’s her favorite food in the world, the old me who would go out with friends and not care if she missed a workout, the old me who thought about other things than just food and workouts. I realized I wanted to feel love for life and myself again. Having that realization was step 1 of a very long journey to finding that joy again.
Step 2…weight gain. I knew that it was going to happen. I’d be lying if I said it didn’t terrify and torment me every single day. With every pound of healthy weight I regained, was another night I cried myself to sleep, another mile I ran trying to burn it off, and another horrible comment I made to myself about how disgusted I was. I lost my thigh gap, lost my abs, lost my super tiny clothes…but I gained a whole lot more than just weight. I finally had energy, got my period back, grew a butt & boobs, and finally allowed myself to eat and enjoy all the wonderful food the world has to offer. It took a lot of work to get to this point of seeing all the positives in beating an eating disorder. Eventually I came to a realization that I AM perfectly capable of doing fun things like traveling, dating, going out, wearing a swim suit, even if I was no longer a size 2. It is possible to be happy, to be loved, and to do the things you love no matter how much you weigh.
Step 3…Once I regained my physical health it was time to work on my mental health which is still a challenge for me to this day. This means loving myself on days I feel like poo just as much as I love myself on my prettiest happiest days. I learned that instead of beating yourself up on the bad days you have to give yourself the utmost love on those days. So that means even when you feel bloated, skip a workout, break out in acne, all the things. In my opinion, that is the ultimate form of self love, when you can love yourself at your “worst”. Crazy concept but trust me it works! Fake it till ya make it.
This was extremely difficult for me to talk about because I am still working on recovery and honestly I’m embarrassed I let myself get to that level of extreme with my health (this is just me being completely honest with y’all). BUT I just have to say this…I want every single one of you to know that eating disorders are NOTHING to be ashamed of. It is a legit mental illness that is SERIOUS and should not be downplayed or ignored. YOU ARE NOT CRAZY. I understand how hard it may be to talk about, but if you are going through even minor signs of disordered eating, please seek help before it gets any worse. You are not alone.
I wish all of you the best of luck with your self love journey and hope that we can all find inner peace together. Good luck!
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Thanks for reading!