“Before and after is not just a photo, it’s a state of mind.”
You can’t see me, but I’m crying right now. I’m sitting in my bed crying as I type. Have you ever had one of those days?
Maybe it lasted more than a day. Maybe it’s been going on for weeks. Maybe months. Maybe even years.
If you know me, follow me, read what I write, or watch what I record you’ll know my life revolves around fitness, or at least it has for the past three years. I’m the girl who loves to work out and eat clean. I’m the girl who promotes self love and a positive body image. I’m the girl who does POP Pilates daily and is a total social butterfly within the Blogilates community.
You might even think I’m pretty cool.
To tell the truth, I usually think I’m pretty cool too! On the good days, that is. In the good moments actually. Because that’s what it comes down to a majority of the time…moments.
Without causing a heart attack or bursting your bubble, I’m not always this girl. I’m not always the queen of good vibes and the princess of positivity. In fact, I’m almost certain I’m only 30% her and the other 70%…well, I’m the Before Girl.
Before Girl? Before what?
If you have ever embarked on what we fitties call a “fitness journey” then you know exactly whom I am referring to. You not only know her, you are her. Or at least…part of you still is. I’d be willing to bet on it.
If you still don’t quite understand, I’ll define her for you:
The Before Girl (n): your pre-fitness journey self. The girl who hates her body. The girl who wants to lose weight. The girl who wants to be skinny. The girl who wants to alter her body through fitness and/or an eating disorder in order to look a certain way.
Told you you’d know her.
She lives inside any and every female in existence. (Sorry guys, you too, but the male version of course) There is no denying it. As much as we do and as hard as we work to win ourselves over with our burpee-loving, salad eating, self-love promoting persona…The Before Girl simply won’t move out. She is a permanent resident.
Don’t let that discourage you!
This blog post is not being written to bring you down! It’s being written to shatter the illusion that any of us are 100% in love with ourselves.
I believe one of the healthiest habits we can acquire during our fitness journey is honesty and transparency.
Although the fitness industry can be a place of competition and vanity, it can also be a place of community and assistance. We can choose to empower rather than compete and exercise not only the body, but the mind.
So let’s get to know The Before Girl.
Mine is brutal.
She hates the body she’s living in. The way her stomach rolls gather when she sits down, the way her hips show yet she still has gathered love handles, the way her arms look big and undefined in pictures unless her hand is on her hip, the way her inner things touch when she walks, the saggy look of her belly button on top of her non-existent abs. She hates the cellulite on the back of her legs and the number of inches around her waist. She looks at other bodies with envy and longing.
She loves food but fears it. She gets angry with herself for not having more self control. She feels weak because she doesn’t have the will power to starve herself like the other girls.
She constantly fights with the other side of me. When the other side tries to give no fucks and eats a pizza, she comes back screaming at me. When the other side works up a sweat and feels damn good about it, she tells me my efforts will never be good enough.
She is behind the tear soaked pillow cases, the agonizing moments spent on the cold bathroom floor, the bitchy friend who just wants to be alone, the girl who wishes people would stop telling her she’s beautiful.
It’s deep. It’s dark. I know.
She is a whole other part of me that I never share with anyone because I don’t want to spread her negativity. So that negativity stays between me and her and consumes me little by little each day.
This is my internal struggle personified.
Something I never thought I’d share with you is suddenly being typed out key by key.
My fear is that it will end up a saved draft, never published.
My hope is that I will hit that publish button and finally feel relief.
This whole other person that lives inside my mind is toxic. I wish there were a way to permanently rid myself of her.
But if I’m honest…
I’m not ready.
I haven’t given this battle all I’ve got, and I want to fight.
And anyway, like I said, I don’t believe anyone will ever be free. The Before Girl will forever be a part of us…but what we can work on is diminishing her to as small a part of us as she rightly deserves.
We must dedicate ourselves to developing The After Girl.
Who is she?
She is a fighter. She is hard work and dedication. She is goals made and goals achieved. She is mental and physical growth. She is constantly bettering yourself day by day no matter what you may be facing.
The After Girl is who you want to be, but must be willing to work for.
As hard as The Before Girl is working to keep you where you are, work harder, and get to where you want to be. As dedicated as The Before Girl is to making you unhappy, be more dedicated to creating happiness for yourself.
Did you notice something?
I’m back. 😉
The truth is…no matter how bad things may be, the person I am on social media will always shine through, because unlike The Before Girl, Blogibabe is who I want to be. And well…when it comes to motivating you all, I can’t help myself. I love helping people!
Now let’s help each other and promise to always be real with one another.
We ALL struggle.
We ALL fall down.
But we must ALLways be there to help each other back up.
I love you, whether you love you, or not.
Here’s to the good days and the bad!